I wrote a book! Well, I wrote it a long time ago, but I recently published it for Kindle devices. Check it out here on Leave a review. Feel good.




I am a freelance writer/content creator/editor and 5th dimensional thinker who refuses to write in 3rd person. I am a humorist, a cynic, a delusional travel blogger and probably the best and most prolific writer ever. I also have a love of sandwiches that borders on salami.

I write about tech, mobile, social, psychology, pop-culture, entertainment and marketing, sometimes all at once. I wrote at for three years, once wrote an article for Fast Company and was the executive editor of Technorati for four years. I'm always open to new freelance opportunities and working with brands who aren't afraid to grow a pair. I also do ghost writing for PR firms so hire me maybe.

Hit me up via any of the contact methods below or at

Send pitches via email, not via Twitter DM and certainly not through a Facebook message I'll never read.

Currently writing as a tech contributor at KnowTechie. Also as a tech contributor at Also have a tiny byline at Motherboard (VICE). Former industry bylines at (also here and here), The Next Web,,, Linkedin and I used to have a monthly fitness column at BossFitMag. Former editor and contributor of news pieces at, but they killed their archive.


I have bylines on social media, brands and advertising at DigiDay, Hashtracking and Adknowledge (but they stripped my byline so you'll have to take my word for it).

One of my favorite pieces I ever wrote is this profile of EDM Composer BT.




This is livin', that is hustlin'. Click the tab thing for all the social networks I can't possibly maintain. This page is for Twitter and blog feeds. Check out my Twitter jokes, visit a foreign country with the now defunct Heathens of the Plains blog or any other Tumblr ideas I've given up on.


Heathens of the Plains: Delusional Travel Blogging


NFL Predictions and fancy analysis


Here are some life quotes I came up with over time. They are all copyright © ME, so if you use them, source my Twitter account or this website. Original article that puts them all in context can be found here.

A good lesson in life is that band-aid's don't really stick to testicles very well.
A of time in life is spent putting things into other things. Toasters, files, vaginas, garages, and so on.
Anything in life is possible if you are able to get away with it before you have to kill any witnesses.
Eh. Life is nothing more than a big game of duck duck goose, except you never get picked and the head slap is a cast iron glove.
Feeding the turmoil of life is a sense that your well being is directly related to your actions when in fact, it's ice cream.
I find one of the most tempting things in life is sticking your hand in things. Or at least a finger. Sometimes that's good. Often, not.
I think once we realize that there are things in the world we can't change, like the color of rebar, life is better.
I think the best thing we can hope for in life is that when we drink our juice, we don't swallow a band-aid.
I think the best way to chronicle changes in life is how you feel about "Superman" ice cream now, compared to when you were a kid.
I think the circle of life is more like a rhino taking a shit in a soup can.
I think, that one of the keys to life is being smarter than the inanimate objects around you. Take that stapler for instance.
If life is a maze, then David Bowie is lurking around every turn, with a giant codpiece and an army of dimwitted trolls.
In my estimation, life is just a series of different curbs to be stranded on, while people prettier than you eat ice cream.
Life is a balance. But it's a teeter totter. You sitting on one side, alone. Until a 600lb Samoan carrying a Tarpon asks to play.
Life is a complex bag of chickens. You open the bag, there are no chickens, but a black hole of angry nail guns, holding cheese.
Life is a constant feeling of pins and needles while trying to watch porn while your mom yells through your door.
Life is a continued series of side by side pictures, in which you have to spot the differences, which are all psychological.
Life is a dusty path through the forest. It's not always clear, but it's there. Also: it's full of bear traps. Literally.
Life is a jungle. You can either hack at it with a machete, or calmly set fire to the whole bloody thing. Or walk the path, whatever.
Life is a series of blue ball encounters with people who will likely shove a proverbial cattle prod in your ear hole.
Life is a series of dominoes, continuously being kicked over by Satan, wearing a top hat & riding a giant My Little Pony.
Life is a series of quests run by a sadistic DM with a penchant for making you wait in line - a lot. Also: STD's on your face.
Life is a sheet, pulled over your head, in a dutch kitchen.
Life is a slice of pizza. You pack tons of pepperoni on there, forgetting about your frequent acid attacks & lactose intolerance.
Life is a waking dream, one in which there are no blue or red pills, but rather blunt objects to hit our heads on constantly.
Life is about giving people your undivided attention and holy shit, is that a fucking bag of popcorn jelly beans? Worst flavor ever.
Life is all about taking chances & making connections. That means it's about fucking strangers.
Life is all about trying to get the square peg in the round hole. None of my former therapists would agree with that, but they are rhombus.
Life is always sideways.
Life is an adventure. It's up to you whether it's an adventure where you get the girl and the treasure, or drown in a septic tank.
Life is an ever increasing size of finger being stuck in your no-no place, one after the other.
Life is constantly being distracted by shiny objects, all with the relative distance of a rainbow & appearance of acid rain.
Life is everyday someone digging up, re-posting and moving your mailbox 2 inches closer to your house.
Life is finding a half crushed turtle on the road, still alive, next to the dead squirrel you were aiming for.
Life is finding a mystical wonderland in the wardrobe, then immediately getting sexually assaulted by a satyr upon entering.
Life is hilarious sometimes. I mean, who knew that you could buy Panda skin wallets from space children?
Life is just a fat kid, begging for his hand not to be blended.
Life is just a series of questions no-one wants the answer to and a constant stream of misconceptions, misplaced rage & drugs.
Life is just an endless diatribe of me having to explain my jokes to people who think missionary sex is the only way.
Life is just one drunk after another, puking on your front yard & every once in a while one drops his wallet.
Life is just one fear stacked on top of the last fear. No matter your social or financial standing. Kill fear by living.
Life is knowing several definitions of phrases like "tossed salad" but being unable to choose which to say & not say in public.
Life is like a beanbag in a college dorm room. At some point someone tore a hole in it and urinated on the inside.
Life is like a bike, stuck under a mini-van, parked in a hospital parking garage, on fire. And the nurses are hideous.
Life is like a box of condoms. Chances are, you'll never use them all and one of them has a hole in it.
Life is like a box of really pissed off weasels, you want to let them go, but the box is securely affixed to your head.
Life is like a glory hole. Sometimes on the other side is a rat trap. You won't know until you do.
Life is like a lawn mower. Uh, grass.
Life is like a mint you find in your pants pocket. Has this mint been through the wash? Was it your mint or a found mint? Just eat it.
Life is like a quiz show hosted by someone who speaks in tongues and all the categories are obscure social economic theories.
Life is like a really grabby party clown, and now you've lost your innocence.
Life is like a storm that you get caught in while you are chasing a 20 dollar bill blowing in the wind then you get hit by a bus.
Life is like a tower defense game. Wave after wave of confusing looking aliens, defended by your imaginary towers.
Life is like a treadmill. You keep planning on running on it, but instead you just hang clothes on it & torment your dog.
Life is like airport bathrooms. Sometimes, it's clean. Other times, satan's taint.
Life is like an elevator where some fat kid keeps running in and pressing all the buttons.
Life is like an empty bag of cheez doodles, gently wafting in the breeze, while you get mugged by a cross eyed meth-head.
Life is like being the guy in the emergency room with the something stuck in or on the something else.
Life is like climbing in that open window, twisting your ankle on the way in, then meeting a doberman named "face ripper."
Life is like coming to the realization that the world is like a giant ball pit, which some kid probably took a dump in.
Life is like finishing just as her father bursts into the room. You got off, but then you learn she was only 17.
Life is like fried chicken. It's a constant battle of whether or not to eat the skin.
Life is like getting a package in the mail, and realizing not only has it been opened, but it's been urinated on as well.
Life is like getting called into a meeting with your boss, and the company lawyer is in the room too.
Life is like getting teabagged by a lion. Normally you'd push away, but this is a lion, who will most likely maul you anyway.
Life is like going to the office party, eating way too many pot brownies inadvertently, then sleeping with a pile of highlighters.
Life is like growing up not only thinking cooties are a real affliction, but giving yourself a shot right before you have sex.
Life is like having a tapeworm then getting it removed by a witch doctor and gaining 400 pounds.
Life is like having one of those itchy bug bites right between your middle toes. Do you just cut the toe off, or get drunk?
Life is like looking at that eye test with the horizontal & vertical lines, then getting smacked in the face with a salmon.

Life is like no matter how much lotion you put on it, a handy with sandpaper still smarts.
Life is like oh shit did that alligator just tea bag a gorilla?
Life is like passing out in a kiddie pool in the middle of the afternoon, waking up in the dark of the night & covered in dead seagulls.
Life is like pouring yourself a glass of orange juice in a plastic cup that tastes like toothpaste.
Life is like realizing how easy it is to kill, but how hard it is to properly dispose of the body.
Life is like realizing how utterly morbid that last tweet was. But yet, a true commentary on the frailty of life.
Life is like running over a turtle. You aren't sure if it's dead, but you really don't want to get out of your car to check.
Life is like setting fire to a pile of confetti. I'll let you figure that one out.
Life is like showing up late to a birthday party & seeing the clown puke on himself then take a dump on the hood of your car.
Life is like slowly realizing that not only are clowns as scary as people say they are, but there is one right behind you.
Life is like spending 3 days locked inside a wine casket with a depressed badger & a carton of Marlboro Reds.
Life is like that time that you got in the elevator & the lights flickered for a second, then a demon tore out your left eyelid.
Life is like that time when you were a kid and you tried to camp out in the back yard but you got bitten by a mountain lion.
Life is like that time you caught your high school sweet heart making out with a half ripe tomato while your older brother took pics.
Life is like that time you found a Jolly Rancher on the bottom of your shoe, only to discover that it tasted like death & dog crap.
Life is like that time you went to Wal-Mart, immediately forgot what you went there for, then contracted an STD in the toy aisle.
Life is like the soles of my shoes. Sometimes they come apart and I have to use industrial super glue to put them back on.
Life is like the sweet, tender love that can only exist between a college student and a jar of smuckers.
Life is like the time you made the decision to urinate in an empty bottle while driving instead of pulling over & peed mostly on the seat.
Life is like thinking you are going to get a tender embrace, but instead you are faced with a greased up concrete block & an aspirin.
Life is like this pen. Earlier it was stuck in an orifice (not telling which one) and now it's being used to create. That's life.
Life is like trying to fit all of your 250lbs into a two piece bathing suit you found stuck in a couch cushion at Goodwill.
Life is like trying to use a highlighter on a piece of cardboard.
Life is like using a sock to store liquids in. You can keep filling it up, but it'll seep out & your feet will still be wet & sticky.
Life is like when you are winning a bar fight, then the dude's girlfriend comes out of nowhere & kicks you in the sack.
Life is like when you go to tie your shoes and you realize that you are still wearing velcro & you are standing in human feces.
Life is no more a mystery than time travel in a paper bag.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is like a box of hand grenades, shoved up your ass & the pins are stabbed in your eyes.
Life is nothing but server errors every time you need to fucking do something on the goddamn server.
Life is nothing more than constantly sticking your hand in a plugged in blender, with a helper monkey playing with the switch.
Life is one continuous re-cap of a movie that I've never seen.
Life is Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time! now Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? NowThere he go.
Life is peeing in the shower but realizing only too late that the drain is clogged with your cleaning lady's hair.
Life is sometimes the difference between making love and fucking. Also, the difference between fucking & humping.
Life is the line between delusions and reality, and knowing damn well when to ignore that fucking line.
Life is this pit y'know, I mean, there might be snakes in there. There isn't any candy in the pit. It's also well lit. Dunno why.
Life is when you inexplicably puke in your hands instead of on the ground.
Life is your memories and perception of passing time, stacked up and making you feel old.
One of the things you should remember in life is that there is no bad ending to a monkey knife fight.
One thing I learned in life is to ignore side effects. They just make you paranoid-er. Paranoider.
Part of living life is accepting that sometimes, you have to ride the white rhino into the marketplace to get beans.
Remember having to watch your college roommate get laid while you tried to study? Life is like that, except you are the lamp.
Sometimes life is a joke. But if it is, that means the punchline is leftover ramen and there is no laugh track.
Sometimes life is having to eat a bucket of rose stems while staring into the sun. Also, your pants are ants.
Sometimes life is just one big circle jerk, but every one has prosthetic limbs, mostly hooks but a couple plastic hands.
Sometimes life is like a halloween party when you stick your hand in different things, but everyone is actually just dog shit.
Sometimes life is like driving a boat through a no-wake zone, full throttle, fucking up some manatees.
Sometimes life is like getting felt up behind the bleachers on prom night. By the janitorial staff.
Sometimes life is like getting to bag a beautiful chick, then waking up in a bathtub full of ice, a stitched wound on your side.
Sometimes life is like one of those little worms that crawl up your pee hole and plants mind control eggs in your liver.
Sometimes life is like sitting on a park bench, looking through a window that really shouldn't be there, but is.
Sometimes life is like the difference between "used" and "pre-owned."
Sometimes life is like, "oh were you sitting there? Well too fucking bad." Then you are sad and seat-less.
Sometimes life is nothing but laser pistols and helper monkeys running around with sharpened pencils.
Sometimes life is the smell of a thrift shop on a weekday, sometimes life is the empty hanger covered in bile.
Sometimes life isn't fair and you have to share underpants with strangers of the opposite sex but with less sanitary needs.
The best bits of life is the stuff in between the stuff. Unless that stuff requires a lot of hand washing and hole digging.
The pool of life is cold. Sometimes your sack shrinks, but you keep doing laps. That's cheeseburger.
The scary thing about life is probably the unknown, like the Yeti, Lochness Monster, underground Dragons & crab people.
The septic tank of life isn't full of lemons and cupcakes. It's filled with exactly what you'd expect a septic tank to be full of.
The truth about life is that a lot of people put a lot of lotion in a lot of buckets but rarely do we put the lotion on.
They say life is a highway. I say, I'm going to ride it all night long. On a horse with no name. In the desert. Fucking hell.
They say life is like a barrel of monkeys. They never tell you if those monkeys are alive or dead.
To put it all in perspective, life is what we like to call a bag of mystery parts delivered in a box labeled "shut the hell up."
What's the difference between life & living? Life is what you are doing right now. Living is what you do when you aren't doing this.
When life gives you a condom filled with pennies & a mouse trap, life is trying to fuck with you. Seriously.
When life says "smell my pinky" - don't. In fact, if life is telling you something like that, then you've probably fucked up.
When life tells you that you were conceived in the back of a pick-up truck with the no-slip bed liner, be curious. Life is weird.
When you are walking down the path of life & some banjo playing kid in overalls starts following you, life is about to test your mettle.
Your life is an insignificant blip in the universe. Except for those giant space turtles. But they aren't you.

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